Romance scams: the slow con that families miss
The previous session covered two-factor authentication and phone transitions, both strictly technical procedures. This topic is not, and I intend to handle it carefully, because it is the category of fraud I have watched cause real harm to someone close to me.
Why this one isn't a technical problem
Every scam covered so far can be defeated by a single habit: hover over the link, verify the number, hang up and call back. Those habits work because the fraud executes quickly, within one call or one message, and a five-minute pause is enough to defeat it.
Romance scams operate on a different timeline. They are deliberately slow. The perpetrator builds a relationship with the target over weeks, sometimes months, before any financial request appears. By the time the request arrives, the person on the other end no longer registers as a stranger. They register as someone who understands the target.
That is precisely what makes this category difficult to teach. You cannot instruct someone to "hang up and verify" a relationship they have been developing since spring.
How it typically begins
The initial contact is a message on Facebook or Instagram, a "wrong number" text that develops into an ongoing conversation, or a dating-app match who is charming, attentive, and consistently unable to complete a video call.
The early messages are warm and consistent: morning greetings, questions about the day. For a person who spends a great deal of time alone, whether from being widowed, divorced, or simply isolated, that attention meets a genuine need. I want to state that directly rather than dismiss it as foolish. It is not foolish. That is exactly the mechanism that makes the scam effective.
Eventually a problem arises on the perpetrator's end: a medical bill, a delayed shipment, a business deal requiring a short-term bridge loan. The first request is rarely large. It is small, plausible, and easy to approve. Then it recurs.
The reliable indicators
The single strongest indicator is this: the perpetrator will not participate in a video call, or when they do, the video is consistently short, dark, or degraded. There is always a stated reason, whether a poor connection, a broken camera, or work in an overseas location with bad wifi.
A second indicator: money moves in one direction only, and it moves through gift cards, wire transfers, or cryptocurrency. A legitimate romantic partner does not ask you to buy Target gift cards and read the numbers aloud over the phone.
A case I observed directly
I watched a widow in our ward be courted by an account of this kind for roughly a month before her family noticed anything. No one was careless. She was lonely after losing her husband, the messages were kind, and kindness is not something a person is trained to treat with suspicion. That is the core problem with this scam: it appropriates something good and directs it against the target.
Her family identified it eventually, not through a technical clue, but because her daughter noticed she had begun mentioning that she was "helping him out" financially, and the account did not hold up under follow-up questions. That is the usual mechanism of detection. Not a link. A conversation.
That has stayed with me for a long time. It still does, somewhat.
The procedure to follow at home
If you are concerned about yourself or a family member:
- Request a video call, and do not accept excuses more than once. A single connection failure is acceptable. A consistent pattern of no video, ever, is itself the conclusion.
- Reverse image search the profile photo. Save the image and search it in Google Images. If it belongs to a model or actor, or appears under five other names, you have your answer.
- Never send money to a person you have not met in person. Not gift cards, not wire transfers, not cryptocurrency, regardless of how convincing the stated reason is.
- Involve the family; do not confront the individual alone. If you suspect a parent or a widowed neighbor is in one of these situations, do not corner them. Ask measured questions, such as "How did the two of you meet?" or "Have you been able to video chat yet?" and let them talk.
- If money has already been sent, report it. Both the FTC and your bank want the information, even after the fact. It helps flag the account and sometimes recovers funds.
I will state my position plainly: the people this happens to are not foolish. They are lonely, or overextended, or having a difficult year, and someone appeared who seemed to notice them. Assigning blame only ensures the next victim conceals it rather than asking for help. I would far rather someone tell their family "I think I am being scammed" somewhat late than never say it at all.
Before next time
This week, ask one person in your life who lives alone, a widowed parent or a neighbor, a single question: "Has anyone new been messaging you lately?" The responses are often surprising.
~kenneth